Gimpy, but going for it

First, a big congrats to Al at Mission: Motherhood for rocking the BFP this morning. Al’s baby-making blog is one of the first I began following and her news today lit me up from the inside out. It is, in a word, AWESOME!!!!

Okay, onto my CD13 update. I wore a bright red and green plaid shirt to the RE’s office this morning (it’s cute, I promise) and my knee-length argyle socks. This was an effort to put some “happy” into my aura. (I also wore jeans and white converse high tops. It was a casual day at work.) I CAN DO THIS, I kept thinking. I can take the bad news. I am strong. I am calm. JUST BREATHE. No matter what this ultrasound throws at me, just breathe.

The results were decent. I have two 17.5mm follies on the left side. My lining grew almost 1mm to 3.2. That’s still really thin, but, I mean, it’s growing. I was shocked by that…I figured it’s be the exact same. So that’s awesome. Go body! Keep up the good work!

And the best part: I’m triggering tomorrow night. Yep, for his 31st bday, hubs will be giving me that magical Ovidrel shot. (Hey, it beats having to do his biz in a cup for an IUI on the morning of his birthday!) Because of the way this all worked out timing-wise, we are not doing the IUI this cycle. And I am completely cool with that. For all of my attempts to control/plan/take charge of my important cycle days, it just didn’t pan out that way. The good news is that hubs has great swimmers so we can spend the weekend gettin’ busy under my parents’ roof.

The nurse said it’s too late to do anything about my lining. (My Googling suggests otherwise, but whatevs.) She said there are two kinds of docs, those who think lining is a big deal, and those who don’t. Dr. C doesn’t think it’s a deal-breaker. She said if we conceive and it’s a good embryo, it’ll find a way to stick. Plus, the lining may thicken up a bit more before ovulation. Those are the POSITIVES. The obvious negative is that a thin lining is not as nourishing, soft and welcoming to any good eggs floating around looking for a place to get comfy. And the two maturing follies are not big fatties at the moment.

I’m not saying any of that to be a downer, I’m just being realistic. My TTC defense mechanism is alive and well….I’m gimpy this cycle. But NEXT time? Maybe my odds will be up. Dr. C will prescribe something to counteract the thin lining Clomid causes in me. We won’t be traveling so we can IUI if we want. At minimum, we’ve LEARNED from this cycle, right? Right!

But still. I admit that I really, really, really want it to work. I’m going to enjoy the weekend with my parents, siblings, friends. And I’m going to have lots and lots of fun with my wonderful hubby. And that, my friends, is that! Thank you all so much for the support and comments, it has helped me through a roller coaster of a week. Merry Christmas!!

[Via http://suchagoodegg.wordpress.com]

Well, that's just confusing.

Hello and welcome to CD24…and AF arrived this morning. What? Why? I suppose I should thank Clo.mid for this little *blessing*. However, now I am just really confused. When I had my follicle scan 13 days ago…I had no dominate follicles…how did I ovulate? When did I ovulate? Did I ovulate? How fast do follicles grow? I had a borderline positive OPK on CD15…but now I am having a period? This makes so little sense to me. Can anyone more experienced help me out?

I confess that I am woefully lacking in the way this all works…especially since this was my first medicated cycle and who knows how messed up Clo.mid can make your cycle.

I guess I don’t have to have progesterone this month…small comfort. And I suppose this explains why I was cranky yesterday and didn’t sleep well the past few nights.

[Via http://rainingblossoms.wordpress.com]

Cycle Day 25 - FS Appointment.

So, After a huge 3.5 year update on whats been happening with my cycles, medications and weight loss… Dr Iona Macleod she said her main ‘mission’ is to get my cycles regulated on a drug that doesn’t half kill me in the process – clomid gave me terrible pain, and metformin made me extraordinarily ill. On top of that, she also said she wanted to build a clearer picture of what’s going on down there, aside from having PCOS…

So, she did an internal examination and took swabs to check for infection.

She is sending me for an ultrasound of my uterus and ovaries to check the PCOS and also look for fibroids.

I’m also going for a hysterosalpingogram / HSG to check my tubes, although she thinks they’ll be fine because I’m getting positive tests – they’re just not lasting.

Finally I’m having bloodwork done for Rubella, FSH, Testosterone, E2, LH, Prolactin and TSH.

Then, because I wasn’t keen to try clomid again, she’s given me Tamoxifen.. which apparently does the same thing and is taken days 2-5… I’ve read it can be a better choice for PCOS aswell… so fingers crossed!

So, aside from being terrified about the HSG – it can be very painful apparently and it’s advisable to take a good dose of painkillers before the procedure…. I am set to go for my blood tests next thursday (17th), get my period friday, and start Tamoxifen on saturday. I’ll get my ultrasound appointment through at some point… lord knows when. I am supposed to call the clinic to arrange the HSG for CD10/11/12/13… but that falls perfectly on the 27th december and the following few days… and to be blunt it’s a bad time to be out of action, we have a lot planned for Christmas. I think I’ll see what happens and how I feel in a few days.

Course, I could be pregnant and then I’d avoid allll of this. Please Lord… this would be the BEST time!

[Via http://mrseffelle.wordpress.com]

"Let the roller coaster ride begin!"

That’s what I said to hubs at 8am this morning after I popped my first of seven Provera pills. Haha. Poor guy! Actually, I really hope it isn’t a roller coaster. I’m hoping to stay Zen, avoid meltdowns and even develop some mild confidence as the days go by.

A quick note: Today’s Provera pill came a few days earlier than I initially planned. It’s the earliest day the RE nurse suggested I take it. I did this in the **hopes** that I can ovulate before the RE’s office closes for four days at Christmas. I just felt in my bones like it was the right time to get this cycle rolling. Who knows if my “gut” is right—I had a “gut” feeling about beginning an awesome cycle #2 of Clomid three weeks ago and that turned out to be wrong. But I’m over that!

In all honesty, I am feeling a little bit nervous. (Not meltdown-y or emotional, just, you know, a teenie bit anxious.) I have no idea when I’ll get my period. I have no idea if that cystie went away. (Three weeks ago, I was sure this December cycle would be a go, but now that I’ve earned a couple of Google credits toward my M.A. in ovarian cysts, I realize this is NOT a sure thing.) I have no idea if I can take Clomid this month. I have no idea, if I can take it, if it will work.

But here I am, my friends. Hubs and I are taking the plunge! Bring it on!!!

[Via http://suchagoodegg.wordpress.com]

Prickly prickly

Have I told you guys about the TTC Money Tree I have growing on my back porch? No? Well, I planted it back in September, about when I decided it was important to supplement my gym membership with yoga classes to chill me out on the baby-making front. And boy has the tree grown big and strong. (Another box of fancy-pants OPKs at Walgreens? No prob, I got it!)

Hahaha…

Here’s where this is going. I took some cash from the TTC Money Tree and tried acupuncture last week. And even worse (better?), now I believe in it. My hubs is a teensie bit shocked and appalled that a reasonable, skeptical, RE-going girl like me can actually be putting, um, eggs in this new basket.

I’d been contemplating acupuncture for a few months and found some studies supporting its fertility benefits: promoting healthy female hormones in the body and boosting blood flow to the uterus (click here , here and here for a few abstracts).

Finally, I tried it last Wednesday evening for the first time. My practitioner, Kristen, and talked for an hour about my TTC details and regular ‘ol history. I liked how many questions she asked, and I really liked how well-versed she was with medical terms and Western meds (even dose levels and lining measurements and stuff).

She seemed to glean all the weirdness that is me (I get numb hands and feet a lot, I’m usually cold—except at night when I’m usually hot, I have always had constipation issues, ETC). I changed into loungey pants and a loose button-up shirt and was ready to go. Then she put the needles in me (eeeek!)…in points along my ears, my left wrist, my feet, knees and three near my belly-button. I was scared. I clenched my eyes shut.For 20 minutes I tried to relax on a massage table, never peeking at those needles! I felt a dull ache-y pain under my belly button. (Sort of like that feeling you get in your throat when you swallow something too big? Like that.) Then after a while the ache moved into my lower abdomen area and turned into a fizzy, almost electric crampiness. I was a little freaked out, but I practiced my yoga breathing (thanks TTC Tree!) and made it through.

Before leaving the office, I made a quickie trip to the bathroom. I discovered I had some spotting. Yep, that’s right. The period I never believed would come showed up within minutes of finishing acupuncture. I know this was mostly Dr. C’s magical Clomid running it’s course (it was a little early in the window of ETA, but in it nonetheless). I can’t help but believe the acupuncture triggered it right then. I might be crazy. I might sound like a new-agey goofball. But, I still believe something happened in my session! (Hubs’ very logical take on this: “Why does it have to be something. Couldn’t it just be a dull ache? What’s so great about that?”)

Anyway, I went back last night. This time the acupuncture points were different because now we’re at the beginning of my “cycle,” yesterday being CD7. I felt a dull ache in my tummy again, but not as intense as last week. Kristen was sympathetic about how crushing it felt to be yanked onto the sidelines (oh, the drama of my life!) on Friday thanks to the cyst. But she was also super happy to have a month with me sans meds. She is very optimistic that I can ovulate and menstruate all by myself. While that is VERY awesome to hear, I must admit that I have not totally gone to the dark—er, holistic—side. I still believe in Clomid.

So we made a deal. I will start doing OPKs and looking for CM early next week and if any signals suggest ovulation then I will delay my December 5 start date of Provera. In the meantime, I will eat more red foods (red pepper, beets, etc) and more nutrient-rich greens (kale, chard, etc). These are good for my cold disposition! (Who knew?!) I have been asked to start temping. (I know it might seem weird that I don’t do that already; but I am afraid of getting type-A about one more disappointing daily measurement….the negative OPKs really take it out of me!) She also asked me to cut back on my running…from 20-25 miles a week to 12-15 max, with yoga twice a week instead of once. “It’s great that you exercise regularly and I would never take away that endorphin boost running gives you. But running 20 miles a week—while it may not feel like a lot to you—is very hard on your body. We want to be gentle with your body right now, which means less jostling and high-impact activity,” she explained.

That is a pretty big change (and one I thought I’d successfully tackled in July), but I’m open to easing up even more. In fact, I’m going to set up my road bike inside my apartment this weekend and swap in some mellow bike rides for miles. (I’ve been meaning to do that anyway!) Finally, Kristen recommended some Chinese herbs (that will not conflict in any way with your RE’s Western meds! I highly doubt Dr. C would agree), but even I have my limits. I’ll be incubating that one.

well...

not to sound less than enthusiastic about this TWW but… I kinda am.  I am trying – sorta successfully – to keep my mind on other things.  To keep my mind so full of projects I don’t have time to think of anything else.    I had some pretty intense cramping last night which makes me think AF is right around the corner and makes me a little sad.  Part of me thinks well you did take the double dose of clomid and maybe it worked this time…but the other part of me thinks honestly how could this outcome be different than the last.  The only time I allow myself to think about it when I’m blogging so it might be sparse this TWW just because I am trying not to over analyze every little symp or twinge.  There is a song from the movie P.rince of E.gypt about miracles – even though it’s a kids movie they are still pretty powerful and I think the lyrics definitely apply to the head space I’m currently in or hoping to be in soon.  One of complete faith and understanding that things happen for a reason – and that it’s not just a chliche’.

In workout world, I am set to run with my team tonight – well half of my team the other half is training and to gimpy to run LOL.  Really though, it’s not funny she hurt her knees and ankles from running…I think because we don’t have good technique…maybe we should ask for some help with that.  Anywhoo, I weigh in officially with my biggest loser state challenge today – starting weight is (drumroll please)…184.8   I know most girls would probably be sad with that number but as you know – starting from 230 a year ago – that number is cause for a celebration for me.  I still have another 50lbs. I wanna lose.  I need to be 130-135!  That also means I NEED to get off my ass and stop whining about exercise especially when I have such an unexpectedly great support group at work.

Hot flashes

Instead of feeling like my normal 32 year old self, I feel like a woman in menopause.  I have had the worst hot flashes lately–last night while making dinner the hot flash was so bad that I started stripping my clothes off in the kitchen.   I live in Michigan, so walking around in shorts when it’s 50 degrees out is kinda strange.   I had a few more today what weren’t as bad as the one last night, but it’s such a weird feeling when it happens.

I’m not sure if it’s the Clomid or Premarin causing the hot flashes.  I’m leaning toward the Clomid, simply because Premarin is a drug docs put menopausal women on to STOP some of their menopause symptoms.    Only other thing I have noticed is that I get a headache everyday now.  I’m used to getting monthly migraines, but not every single day.  I’m hoping those go away soon.

I have been trolling on other TTC/infertility blogs lately and I’m amazed that there are so many other women who are in the same boat as I am.  I thought about joining up with some message boards because since I haven’t told anyone that I have started this grand adventure I have no one to share the ups and downs with.   So, if you’re reading this–just leave a comment and say hi

While on these boards I have become more up to date on all of the TTC lingo out there–my favorite euphamism, “baby dance,” (abbreviated BD) as in…husband and I have to do the “baby dance” every other day in order to maximize our chances of conceiving.   I guess this is more polite than the other ways one could describe the act itself.    I still don’t understand all of the lingo/abbreviations…but I’m getting there!

Clomid vs. Injectables

Since we’re moving onto IUI#4, I wanted to do some research on Clomid vs. injectables. I came across the Advanced Fertility Center of Chicago website that provided the following statistics that I thought might be worth sharing:

Insemination is a reasonable initial treatment that should be utilized for a maximum of about 3-4 months in women who are ovulating (releasing eggs) on their own.

For a couple with unexplained infertility, female age under 35, trying for 2 years, and normal sperm – we would generally expect about:

• 8% chance per month of conceiving and delivering with artificial insemination and Clomid for up to about 3 cycles (lower percentages with Clomid and insemination after 3 attempts)
• 12% chance per month of conceiving and delivering with injectable FSH medication (e.g. Follistim, Gonal-F, or Menopur) and insemination for up to about 3 cycles (lower after 3 attempts)
• 55% chance of conceiving and delivering with one cycle (month) of IVF treatment (at our center – success rates vary greatly between clinics)

Most pregnancies resulting from insemination with the male partner’s sperm occur in the first 3 attempts. The chances for success per month drop off after about 3 attempts and drop considerably more after about 4-5 unsuccessful attempts. Therefore, IUI treatment is usually recommended for a maximum of about 3 or 4 tries.

An excellent study published in 1998 reviewed results from 45 other published studies of fertility treatments for unexplained infertility. The study attempted to determine an “average success rate” for various forms of fertility treatment for couples with unexplained infertility. As a brief summary, they found:

So let’s see. I ovulate on my own, we have normal sperm, and I’m about to have my fourth IUI.  This will be my fourth month on Clomid, this time at 150mg which I believe is the maximum dosage. If this cycle doesn’t work, I’m pretty sure we’ll try more IUIs before considering moving on to IVF. However, if this cycle doesn’t work I’ll definitely ask my RE to move me to injectables next. Actually, I’m going to ask about injectables at my next visit anyway.

An 8% (Clomid) or 12% (injectables) success rate doesn’t seem too promising, but who knows what the actual success rates are. Some doctor say it can be as much as 20% each IUI cycle. Either way, the odds aren’t against me after three failed IUIs. More time is all we need. And time we have.

There are two very new, very big things going on and with a toddler in the house, there is nary a moment to blog about them.

First, A was offered and accepted a job teaching 5th grade.  Hallelujah.  While we feel like we’ve won the lottery, I think we’re both more excited over the health insurance, more specifically severing our relationship with our state health joke plan.

And equally exciting…I am popping C.lomid!  We are on target for a Labor Day insem with our old midwife, in our old town, where Mr. E’s Popsicle siblings live.  I’ve loved having the chance to reconnect with our MW and and over the moon excited to be seeing her again.  Logistics are, well chaotic, but I am zen.  In my mind I’m already pregnant.

[Via http://twomomsarebetterthanone.wordpress.com]